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Once she realized how easy it was, she couldn't control herself. There was always some reason why she needed a little more.She told herself she would put it back next week from her pay but the figure had grown too large. She could not bear to count the amount of money she had stolen. She felt like she was standing on a precipice, balancing, staring down into the chasm which was about to consume her young life. She felt utterly miserable.Concealing her outer turmoil from the outside world had involved years of practice. She was used to protecting herself from the criticism of her family all her life. From around 13 she had kept private the chaotic thoughts of her emerging sexuality.She had begun masturbating around then, the techniques discovered with the giggling advice of her school friends. The talk at school drifted increasingly towards boys. Boys whom she knew she couldn't get too close to. It wasn't fair that her brother Kalil, only 2 years older, could bring his girlfriend. Otherwise he might have let me drag him along. He was tired anyway from working even later than usual on a reorganization in the out-patient clinics. Going with him to the Give and Take for half an hour might have cheered him up, but it was too late to change my arrangement with Toby and the Jays. Reluctantly I left him to watch television, or find relief in his erotic computer game.On reaching Toby's flat I regretted leaving Dale on his own more than ever. Toby opened the door wearing a leather kilt, black eye-shadow and black lipstick. I felt obliged to say the effect was fantastic. He clearly thought that it was wonderful, but twirling around in his stupid kilt, his face made ugly by grotesque make-up, to me he looked awful. My usual pride over being with someone so attractive would have to be suspended that night. Increasingly, what other people thought was unimportant. Whether we were happy or miserable depended ultimately on the two of us. For me the fetish club was a sideshow,.
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